Mr. Schwarz was born in New Orleans in the late 1900s (May 19th, 1977, to be exact). He was then raised in Metairie, where his parents placed him on a stretcher each time they caught him watching TV or playing video games instead of tending to his schoolwork. This explains his towering height and why you should heed his warnings when he tells you to complete your homework in an efficient, timely manner—unless, of course, you want to risk becoming abnormally tall as well. (Which may seem cool, but be warned: old ladies will constantly ask if you play basketball, and small children will shout, “Look, Mommy, it’s a giant!” when they see you in the grocery store.)
It was during reading class in first grade that young Mr. Schwarz discovered he couldn’t see the board and needed glasses, and so was he thrust into the era of 80s space-goggle eyewear, where every nearsighted or farsighted child felt like either a starfighter pilot or a giant nerd, depending on the day. He’s tried (and failed) to wear contact lenses but has resigned himself to a comfortable life with four eyes. Besides, they make him look smart and stuff.
As luck (?) would have it, Mr. Schwarz was just starting his own middle-school years when Spaceballs: The Movie arrived in theaters. This, of course, meant that he could not walk onto the playground at recess on any given day without someone asking him if the Schwar(t)z was with him. (Spoiler alert: It always has been and always will be. It’s his last name, for crying out loud.) As if that weren’t enough, the Gulf War broke out soon after Mr. Schwarz started high school, which meant he was asked about a dozen times per day if he was related to General Norman Schwarzkopf. (Spoiler alert: He’s not. It’s not even the same last name, for crying out loud.)
After graduating magna cum laude from a local brick building, young Mr. Schwarz proceeded to college, where, rather than pursuing his initial goal of becoming a veterinarian, he decided he would rather starve by majoring in English. That said, he did graduate with honors and with the highest GPA among the English majors in his class—a noteworthy accomplishment, for sure, though not a very profitable one.
Mr. Schwarz has been married to the beautiful (and beautifully tolerant) Mrs. Schwarz for twenty-two years, though Mrs. Schwarz might say it feels like so much longer. While they have no children of their own, Mr. Schwarz views his students as his children—for eight hours a day, at least, after which he gets to send them home. (A pretty sweet deal, if you ask Mr. Schwarz.) He and his wife do, however, own a seven-pound Shih Tzu named Dolly, who, in reality, is in charge of the household, even though she doesn’t have to pay any of the bills. (A pretty sweet deal, if you ask Dolly.)
Mr. Schwarz started teaching at St. Martin’s several weeks after Hurricane Katrina, and this year marks his twenty-first year on Green Acres Road. He spent his first two years teaching only Latin, but soon added English to his torturing teaching duties as well. His father’s hair turned gray at age 35, and Mr. Schwarz was expecting the same fate, but alas, his scalp had other plans. He’s not saying he lost his hair as a result of pulling it out while correcting the umpteenth comma error on his students’ papers, but he’s not not saying that, either.
In his extremely limited spare time, Mr. Schwarz enjoys cooking, cleaning (#OCD), collecting MAD Magazines (loyal subscriber since 1989), working on ceramics, vegetating, practicing introspection, dining in restaurants, and trying out different aftershaves. He also enjoys concerts, particularly those that are indoors and air-conditioned. (Sorry, Jazz Fest!) The artists/bands and the years he has seen them are archived below:
AC/DC (2009)
Aerosmith (2012)
Al Stewart (2000)
Alice Cooper (2015, 2016)
Ambrosia (2000)
Billy Joel (1999, 2001, 2007, 2017)
Bob Dylan (2002)
Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band (2011)
Cheap Trick (2012)
Chic/Nile Rodgers (2016)
Christopher Cross (2000)
Davy Jones (1999)
Def Leppard (2018)
Dolly Parton (2016)
Duran Duran (2016)
Eagles (2003, 2009, 2014, 2018, 2024)
Elton John (1998, 2001, 2008, 2014, 2016, 2018, 2022)
Eric Clapton (1998, 2001, 2004, 2013)
Fleetwood Mac (2009)
Gino Vannelli (2019)
Guns n’ Roses (2016)
James Taylor (2001, 2014)
John Mellencamp (2015, 2023)
John Waite (2001)
Josh Groban (2005)
Journey (2001, 2018)
Juice Newton (2000)
Kenny Rogers (2003, 2012, 2016)
KISS (2019)
Kool and the Gang (2012)
Motley Crue (2015)
Neil Diamond (1996, 2002)
Paul McCartney (2002, 2014, 2019)
Paul Simon (2018)
Peter Frampton (2000, 2001)
Peter Noone (1999)
REO Speedwagon (2000, 2003)
Robert Plant (2013)
Rod Stewart (1996, 1999, 2001, 2004)
The Rolling Stones (2019)
Ronnie Milsap (2018)
Rush (2011, 2015)
Santana (2000)
Steely Dan (2024)
Stevie Nicks (2024)
Stevie Wonder (2015)
Styx (2000, 2003)
Survivor (2000)
The Association (1999)
The Cult (2016)
The Moody Blues (2018)
The Police (2007)
The Wallflowers (2013)
Van Halen (2008, 2012)
“Weird Al” Yankovic (2019, 2025)